Life has a way of turning in a full circle.
As a child I was full of love and innocence. The simplest things would make me happy. As a teenager I became sceptical, judging everything about myself with love turning into hate. As a young adult I was judgemental, where nothing was ever good enough. As a middle-aged adult, the tides are starting to turn and I am beginning to see life as I did when I was a child.
I have wasted precious time to get to this point, but I am now the person I have wanted to be for a long time and when I look in the mirror, I can say ‘I love myself’. My reflection is no longer my enemy, someone I hated, someone who saw life in a negative way and didn’t deserve any happiness.
The self loathing all started when I was a teenager, but I do not understand why. Maybe it is a time where the innocents of childhood is lost and the reality of what life expects of you begins. It was easy to hide the real me from the world. From the outside I was confident, flicking my beautiful blond hair around and the envy of my friends. I was never afraid to walk up to a boy and ask him out,
hoping knowing he wouldn’t reject me. I demanded to be treated with respect by others even if I didn’t return that same respect.
I was bossy.
I was demanding
I was deserving
I was entitled
I was confident
This is how the world saw Natalie but on the inside I had begun developing a hatred for the person who looked back at be in the mirror. I didn’t deserve to be loved unconditionally. I didn’t deserve to have true loyalty from friends. I didn’t deserve that one special friend who would always have my back. I didn’t deserve to be anything but an empty shell with pretty long blond hair.
I wasted so many years hating myself, trying to be someone who only made me unhappy. All the energy I wasted trying to be popular, trying to be pretty, trying to be loved and trying to be that special person, was my destroying me from the inside. All this teenage unhappiness resulted in an eating disorder, depression and a deep hatred of myself.
As I matured and slowly began to accept the real me (who is actually a pretty cool person), the dislikes I had for myself transformed into lies.
I am not bossy – I am a leader who can listen and accept when I have got it wrong.
I am not demanding – I am a hard worker who expects a lot of herself.
I am deserving – but it’s respect I deserve as I give to others.
I am not entitled – I am empowered and empower others
I am confident
The negativity in my mental state is slowly being broken down, it is a slow process. As a woman in her early 40’s, I can finally say that I love myself and love the woman reflected in the mirror.
I deserve to be loved unconditionally. I deserve to have special friends who will always have my back no matter. I deserve to be more than a shallow empty shell with pretty blond hair.
Can you say these words – ‘I love myself”?
Linking up with Essentially Jess