I like to think I am a modern mum. I dress like a cool 40-year-old. I have a pink strip in my hair. I am probably more up to date with technology than some of my kids. I have great relationships with my children and their friends. I have a ‘never be afraid to ask’ policy and so far it has worked well.
Until now. The topic of sex has come up a few times and I am just not sure I am ready for my children to head into that territory. Ashlea is 15 years old and not that she is ready now ( oh please do not be ready right now), but we may be getting closer to talking about first time sex.
I lost my virginity at 16 years old and it was horrible. We had been going out for a while but I could sense this was going to happen soon. If I look back I wasn’t ready to have sex but I felt the pressure to do so. I desperately wanted to experience what first time sex was like and at the time I thought this boy would take to the stars.
I couldn’t have been more wrong. He grabbed me in places I didn’t know should be grabbed and I don’t think he did either. As I tried to move so I could actually breath, I knee’d him in the knackers. He then bent over to grab his poor burning knackers and head butted my breast. I screamed. He apologised. I tried to laugh but snorted instead. He attempted a joke but instead him looked like a pervert. Oh it was the most awkward trip to the stars (actually we never even got off the ground) I have ever experienced.
First time sex should be a special moment. First time sex should be meaningful. First time sex should be with someone you are so comfortable with that even if you knee him in the knackers or he head butts your breasts or you accidentally snort in the middle of it all, there is no awkwardness.
So what is a good age to starting thinking about having sex? Is it 15 years old, 18 years old or not until you are married (many fathers would think this way)? I don’t think there is a ‘perfect age’ to begin having sex, it needs to be with the perfect person for you. Establishing trust and real intimacy with someone takes time and develops differently in everyone. Teenagers think very differently to adults as their brains are still developing. Here are some interesting facts on the teenage brain which can make decision making about first time sex crucial:
- The logical part of the brain is still developing so many deacons teenagers make are made purely on emotion.
- Many teenagers use conflict as a form of self-expression so telling your teen ‘NO’ only fuels their desire to rebel.
- Teens are learning abstract reasoning which allows them to see themselves in the eyes of other people, therefore peer group pressure increases.
- An increase in the hormone oxytocin makes teenagers believe the world is actually watching everything they are doing and they become very self-centred, seeing themselves for the first time as part of the adult world.
I’m not ready for my teenagers to be having sex but I want to be ready when they are so I am preparing myself now by:
- Having open communication about safe, healthy & happy sex
- The emotions involved with first time sex
- Choosing the right person is the most important thing with being intimate – not the right time.
I am 15 years old and can say that not only have I not had sex, but I have never even considered myself ready to have sex. I know my parents don’t want to hear this, sex is everywhere. Sex is on the TV shows I watch, in the movies I see, in the songs I listen on constantly and a popular topic in the books I read.
With sex being thrown in teenagers face left, right and centre it can be hard to know exactly when is the right time to experience your ‘first time’. The only answer I have is “I don’t know.” I have absolutely no clue when is the perfect time to have first time sex.
There are lots of things to consider before having sex for the first time or with a new partner and these are:
- Are you ready? If you’re not, then don’t have sex. If your partner doesn’t like that you said no, then maybe you should reconsider if this is someone you actually want to be with.
- Are you doing it for the right reasons? If you want to have sex just because everyone else is or to just get it over and done with as Mum said, you have to think if that is really how you want to remember your first time. It is a big step to take and if you’re doing it for all the wrong reasons, you should definitely consider waiting.
- Are you with someone you’re comfortable with? If the person you’re thinking about having sex with is someone who you feel like you SHOULD have sex with and don’t WANT to, don’t do it. Someone I know had sex because of this exact reason and regrets it. Make sure the person you are with is someone who you want to be with and not just someone your friends, his/her friends or the person themselves wants you to be with. Have sex for you and not for someone else.
- Are you being safe? If not, stop. In year 9 or earlier, most schools will teach their students about contraception. when we covered the topic I learnt that it is worth the momentary embarrassment of buying condoms in order to ensure you’re protected from both STI’s and pregnancy.
Sex shouldn’t be something you regret and if you aren’t ready, do it for the wrong reasons or with the wrong person, your first time will not be a pleasant memory. However, whether it’s your first time ever, your first time with someone new or your thousandth time, not practising safe sex will always end in regrets.
This post was sponsored by Durex – good sex is safe & Healthy sex. However all thoughts and ideas are our own and at Our Parallel Connection we take all sponsored posts seriously, only accepting those we either use or truly believe in.